The mom Phenomenon

Thinking about my current situation as a mom of two and one on the way I started contemplating what I refer to as the mom phenomenon. Children will appear out of nowhere when a mom gets a drink, goes to the bathroom or gets on the phone. No matter how many times these children have been told NO or to wait they continue to appear.  

Phenomenon #1- Mom’s drinks:

Mom’s drinks are community drinks. No matter what a mother is drinking the kids will want a drink, (Just one sip!) and then it gets passed between the kids only to return empty or with gross child backwash or particles from dirty hands being dunked in the cup. Dad’s drink always untouched and often generously refilled!

Phenomenon #2 – Bathroom time:

Bathroom time for mom is community time and the exact time when your children will need you to find something! This doesn’t just happen with children this happens with dogs and cats! I am not sure if it is the sound of the door or the light switch but a sensor goes off inside a child (and pets) and they run to the bathroom! I mean run, literally in desperation and urgency. When dad’s in the Bathroom no child will go near the door!

Phenomenon #3 – Phone time:

Phone time for mom…there could be no child insight and as soon as you say Hello your children desperately need to talk to you! Your children could be completely content playing with Legos or coloring quietly or even watching their favorite cartoons. As soon as that phone reaches your ear, MOM! MOM! I need you……When Dad’s on the phone… they wait!

Happy Mother's day wish list.

Someboday sent this to me in an email without including the writers info. I did not write this if I knew who the author was I would definitly give them credit! This is hilarious and oh so true!!!

To all Husbands and Children!

1. I don’t want to wipe a single ass all day. I think all kids should have to hold their poop in on Mother’s Day. Now that would make it special.

2. I want brunch. But not with the whole frigging family. I want brunch with my other mommy friends. See ya, rugrats. Mommy’s coming back drunk on laughter and bloody marys.

3. I want to sleep in. But not with my hooligans shouting “MOMMYYYYYY!!!” at the top of their lungs and ramming one of those giant cannon thingies into the door to bust inside. To all the hubbies reading this: when the rugrats wake up, take them outside immediately. Not downstairs. OUTSIDE. That’s right, scoop them up in a football hold and rush them out the door. I’m F’ing serious. Change their diapers and their clothes on the front lawn if you have to. Just don’t let them wake my ass up.

4. I want a card. But not a stupid Hallmark card. I want one of those awesome homemade ones made with macaroni. Only I want the macaroni cooked and poured into a bowl and covered with a delicious cream sauce and paired with a giant bottle of red wine.

5. Jewelry jewelry jewelry. Unless it’s one of those stupid necklaces made with cheap plastic beads. None of that shit. Unless Tiffany’s is suddenly selling overpriced plastic bead necklaces. That can be returned for money. Because I don’t want to exchange it and the only thing I can afford is a stupid ass pen or keychain.

6. I want you to cook breakfast for me. In someone else’s kitchen.

7. I want to pee and poop alone. I will prepare for the day by downing a tanker truck full of liquid and eating ridiculous amounts of fiber.

8. I want chocolate. But not just any ole chocolate. I want the kind that someone has taken a fat Sharpie to and blacked out the F’ing calorie section.

9. I want a good present. Like one I’ll really like. It’s not the thought that counts. It’s MY thought that counts. And my thought should not be WTF?

10. I want ten “Leave me the fuck alone” coupons with no expiration date.

How to cure nausea, seriously!?

What I am learning this pregnancy is that for every symptom you have, every cold you get and every pain you have, there is nothing to help! Basically SUCK IT UP SISTA! The medical profession sides on the side of CAUTION. Caution from being sued! We all hear the stories of our parents and the horrible things they took and did while pregnant with us! My god our parents should be ashamed! Not seriously. I wish I lived in the world free from fear!

My nausea has been bad this pregnancy. Sure I had the nausea last pregnancy but I was in a different mind set. I thought the nausea was kind of exciting and totally pregnant thing to have. This pregnancy (my 3rd) I want nothing to do with it, I have it 24 7 it even wakes me up in the middle of the night. I lay in bed and pray for it to go away. I even put one foot on the floor thinking that will help. You know like when you drink to much and you want to make the spinning stop! I would try anything....so I searched the internet for home remedies and cures. What I found my favorite top 5!

1. GINGER - Put a little fresh ginger in with hot water or in sparkling water or sprinkle on some food. It's a traditional remedy, but be cautioned consuming to much could cause extreme diarrhea and even miscarriage! WHAT1? I will admit I tried it and yes ended up with extreme diarrhea! Won't go back to ginger.

2.EAT Small Frequent meals - Several articles out there suggest eating small frequent meals several times a day. They even suggest you put crackers next to your bed and eat a few before you sit up! They go on to suggest that eating high protein snacks such as beef jerky, tuna salad and cheese will help curb that nausea. However, do not eat more then 6 oz of tuna a week or you may give your baby mercury poision! Don't eat to much cheese or dairy because that could add to the nausea and even constipation. Read the lable make sure that cheese is pasturized! It is super important to watch how many calories you take in because you shouldn't gain more then a half a pound per week!  So I guess we nibble on food like rabbits?

3.Avoid greasy or spicy food - Makes since right but in the same article they advise you eat what you crave because your body will tell you what it wants! Even if it's the spicy burritos. Seriously!? I went to Taco Bell, giving into my cravings (not my better judgment)! I was miserable for two days! Taco Bell is evil on pregnant women...or just me!!!

4. Drink plenty of fluid - but be sure to do this in small amounts through out the day. Avoid drinking while eating or snacking. Wait 20 minutes after eating to drink and avoid eating for 20 minutes after you drink! UH!? Is their an app for this!? I can't keep track of that timing. I think my head is spinning...oh no just more nausea.

5. Open a window - Breath fresh air sounds simple and smart/ Oh,but, yes there is eaven a caution to the fresh air! High humidity, extreme high temps or even extreme low temps could add to the nausea. Stay clear of aeras with lots of exhaust fumes or cigarette smoke! For those of us that live in city or highly populated areas...don't breath!

Seriously, how the hell do we cope! Their is nothing you can take without a caution! SUCK IT UP SISTA, you are pregnant pray it ends after birth!


Oh, and if this is your first time to my blog, I recommend you start at welcome...the first post. It will explain a lot....well maybe just the purpose of this blog!

The Road to Crazy Town starts with a dream.

One of the side effects of pregnancy is crazy insane whacked out dreams. I mean intense if you have been pregnant before you know what I am talking about. With all my pregnancies I have had very vivid memorable dreams. However, last nights dream takes the cake! I started off with the zombie apocalypse....stranded in a random house with zombies trying to get in the house. However, the only working bathroom was in the house next door, so you had to sneak across an alley and make it into the bathroom! Weird. Not so crazy right ? Where the dream gets crazy is when the dancing chicken legs come into play! Seriously, chicken legs you buy from a store to cook...they were dressed in fancy socks and dancing! Why I have no fucking clue but I woke up cracking up. Craziest thing! I think this really only means I am on my way to crazy town, as a friend of mine told me! She has three children so I will take this as a warning and truth!!!

We are all back...me, the alien and the new pregnancy!!!!

So I realize I have not written in almost two years which leads me to believe that my Alien counterpart did finally take over. The rest of my pregnancy went well. No complications to report unless you call throwing up during contraction a complication or the Anesthesiologist not getting the epederial in correctly and feeling everything that happens with out the use of your legs a complication. I believe the moment I returned was when my new baby boy was placed on my chest and I got to hold him close for the first time and see him. The Pregnancy journey ended and everything that happened the previous 9 months turned into a blur. My husband will not admit I did anything outlandish he just tells me he loves me......such a liar!

I wish I would have continued on with the blog through the weeks after the birth because those first few weeks with a new baby when your life gets turned upside down and you don't know the difference between night and day not to mention what day it is. Heck you can't even remember if you even showered. Those are the true days to be documented. 

Well good news! I am pregnant again and I intend to start right back up and hopefully follow through to the first several months after the baby is born. I hear something happens to a mother once she hits three children. What it is we will find out together. Ready set go!!!!  

Pregnancy Side effects!

Ok so I was watching TV and one of those new medication commercials came on and I paid no attention until it got to the section on side effects and I thought man someone needs to post a list of side effect due to pregnancy. This is what I started:

Side Effects maybe physical, emotional and behavioral. Many common side effects may be minor but some of the major and severe reactions can be life threatening. You can learn of potential pregnancy side effects from physician, friends, family, blogs, and community posts.

Other side effects not listed above may also occur in some women. If you notice any other effect, please leave a comment. Some women may experience all symptoms and then some women may experience few.....don't trust the women who say they don't experience any... they are liars!!! This information is meant only as a guideline - - always consult a physician.

Constipation
Confusion or Delirium
Diarrhea
Drowsiness
Nausea
Vomiting
Muscle twitching
Effect on Breathing
bladder problems,
sexual dysfunction
Increased heart rate
Increased blood pressure
Loss of appetite
Increased appetite
Abdominal pain
Rectal bleeding
Aggression
Agitation
Anxiety
Confusion
Depression
Hostile
Impulsive
Irritable
Personality Disorder
Overly Excited
Severely restless
Sleeplessness
Weakness
Back Pain
Leg Cramps
Muscle pains
Spasm
Swelling of legs and feet
Frequent urination
Urinary Tract infection
Yeast Infection
Weight Loss
Weight Gain
Headache
Heartburn
Joint pain
Vaginitis
Hot flashes
Acid Indigestion
Acne
Insomnia
Hemorrhoids
Diabetes
Enlarged Breasts
Nightmares


This is not a scientific list if you have any of these symptoms please contact your doctor!

That's IT!

Ok I give, where the hell is that alien Bitch! She can have my body right now I would be more then happy to escape reality! Women who love to be pregnant I could kill. "Those" women are insane because who in their right mind loves, Cramping of the legs, Heartburn, Diarrhea, constipation Yeast Infection and hemorrhoids. Seriously where is that bitch take over my body so I can live in the world where this does not exist!!!!

Don't get me wrong I know it's a miracle that I am creating a child and I personally know women who would love the chance to be pregnant but lets be honest your body is put through hell for 9 months and then you spend 4 years trying to get it back to the way it was when your were 25. I never had Heartburn till I got pregnant, I never had a hemorrhoid....and then the yeast infection. Seriously?! I had UTI's with my first pregnancy and I think I much prefer having a UTI then a YI! It's 7 days of BS that will make you never want to be a women.

As soon as I can get my restless legs to relax I will try to lay down comfortably and wait for my Alien Counterpart to take over. Sorry to my husband I love you very much but this is for the best, we will both be better off.