The mom Phenomenon

Thinking about my current situation as a mom of two and one on the way I started contemplating what I refer to as the mom phenomenon. Children will appear out of nowhere when a mom gets a drink, goes to the bathroom or gets on the phone. No matter how many times these children have been told NO or to wait they continue to appear.  

Phenomenon #1- Mom’s drinks:

Mom’s drinks are community drinks. No matter what a mother is drinking the kids will want a drink, (Just one sip!) and then it gets passed between the kids only to return empty or with gross child backwash or particles from dirty hands being dunked in the cup. Dad’s drink always untouched and often generously refilled!

Phenomenon #2 – Bathroom time:

Bathroom time for mom is community time and the exact time when your children will need you to find something! This doesn’t just happen with children this happens with dogs and cats! I am not sure if it is the sound of the door or the light switch but a sensor goes off inside a child (and pets) and they run to the bathroom! I mean run, literally in desperation and urgency. When dad’s in the Bathroom no child will go near the door!

Phenomenon #3 – Phone time:

Phone time for mom…there could be no child insight and as soon as you say Hello your children desperately need to talk to you! Your children could be completely content playing with Legos or coloring quietly or even watching their favorite cartoons. As soon as that phone reaches your ear, MOM! MOM! I need you……When Dad’s on the phone… they wait!

Happy Mother's day wish list.

Someboday sent this to me in an email without including the writers info. I did not write this if I knew who the author was I would definitly give them credit! This is hilarious and oh so true!!!

To all Husbands and Children!

1. I don’t want to wipe a single ass all day. I think all kids should have to hold their poop in on Mother’s Day. Now that would make it special.

2. I want brunch. But not with the whole frigging family. I want brunch with my other mommy friends. See ya, rugrats. Mommy’s coming back drunk on laughter and bloody marys.

3. I want to sleep in. But not with my hooligans shouting “MOMMYYYYYY!!!” at the top of their lungs and ramming one of those giant cannon thingies into the door to bust inside. To all the hubbies reading this: when the rugrats wake up, take them outside immediately. Not downstairs. OUTSIDE. That’s right, scoop them up in a football hold and rush them out the door. I’m F’ing serious. Change their diapers and their clothes on the front lawn if you have to. Just don’t let them wake my ass up.

4. I want a card. But not a stupid Hallmark card. I want one of those awesome homemade ones made with macaroni. Only I want the macaroni cooked and poured into a bowl and covered with a delicious cream sauce and paired with a giant bottle of red wine.

5. Jewelry jewelry jewelry. Unless it’s one of those stupid necklaces made with cheap plastic beads. None of that shit. Unless Tiffany’s is suddenly selling overpriced plastic bead necklaces. That can be returned for money. Because I don’t want to exchange it and the only thing I can afford is a stupid ass pen or keychain.

6. I want you to cook breakfast for me. In someone else’s kitchen.

7. I want to pee and poop alone. I will prepare for the day by downing a tanker truck full of liquid and eating ridiculous amounts of fiber.

8. I want chocolate. But not just any ole chocolate. I want the kind that someone has taken a fat Sharpie to and blacked out the F’ing calorie section.

9. I want a good present. Like one I’ll really like. It’s not the thought that counts. It’s MY thought that counts. And my thought should not be WTF?

10. I want ten “Leave me the fuck alone” coupons with no expiration date.

How to cure nausea, seriously!?

What I am learning this pregnancy is that for every symptom you have, every cold you get and every pain you have, there is nothing to help! Basically SUCK IT UP SISTA! The medical profession sides on the side of CAUTION. Caution from being sued! We all hear the stories of our parents and the horrible things they took and did while pregnant with us! My god our parents should be ashamed! Not seriously. I wish I lived in the world free from fear!

My nausea has been bad this pregnancy. Sure I had the nausea last pregnancy but I was in a different mind set. I thought the nausea was kind of exciting and totally pregnant thing to have. This pregnancy (my 3rd) I want nothing to do with it, I have it 24 7 it even wakes me up in the middle of the night. I lay in bed and pray for it to go away. I even put one foot on the floor thinking that will help. You know like when you drink to much and you want to make the spinning stop! I would try anything....so I searched the internet for home remedies and cures. What I found my favorite top 5!

1. GINGER - Put a little fresh ginger in with hot water or in sparkling water or sprinkle on some food. It's a traditional remedy, but be cautioned consuming to much could cause extreme diarrhea and even miscarriage! WHAT1? I will admit I tried it and yes ended up with extreme diarrhea! Won't go back to ginger.

2.EAT Small Frequent meals - Several articles out there suggest eating small frequent meals several times a day. They even suggest you put crackers next to your bed and eat a few before you sit up! They go on to suggest that eating high protein snacks such as beef jerky, tuna salad and cheese will help curb that nausea. However, do not eat more then 6 oz of tuna a week or you may give your baby mercury poision! Don't eat to much cheese or dairy because that could add to the nausea and even constipation. Read the lable make sure that cheese is pasturized! It is super important to watch how many calories you take in because you shouldn't gain more then a half a pound per week!  So I guess we nibble on food like rabbits?

3.Avoid greasy or spicy food - Makes since right but in the same article they advise you eat what you crave because your body will tell you what it wants! Even if it's the spicy burritos. Seriously!? I went to Taco Bell, giving into my cravings (not my better judgment)! I was miserable for two days! Taco Bell is evil on pregnant women...or just me!!!

4. Drink plenty of fluid - but be sure to do this in small amounts through out the day. Avoid drinking while eating or snacking. Wait 20 minutes after eating to drink and avoid eating for 20 minutes after you drink! UH!? Is their an app for this!? I can't keep track of that timing. I think my head is spinning...oh no just more nausea.

5. Open a window - Breath fresh air sounds simple and smart/ Oh,but, yes there is eaven a caution to the fresh air! High humidity, extreme high temps or even extreme low temps could add to the nausea. Stay clear of aeras with lots of exhaust fumes or cigarette smoke! For those of us that live in city or highly populated areas...don't breath!

Seriously, how the hell do we cope! Their is nothing you can take without a caution! SUCK IT UP SISTA, you are pregnant pray it ends after birth!


Oh, and if this is your first time to my blog, I recommend you start at welcome...the first post. It will explain a lot....well maybe just the purpose of this blog!